Jesus Asks Fans to Stop Tagging Him in Toast Sightings Apocalypse & Weird Local Prophet Claims to See Jesus in Toast Again; Heaven PR department acknowledges brand fatigue.Read More
Epic Fury Archetype Detector Power Take the Quiz! Find out: Is your anger pre-ordained or just pre-diabetic?Read More
Florida to growing shark population: if you can’t beat ’em, party with ’em. Apocalypse & Weird Drug-addled 'cocaine sharks' may be gobbling 'bales of narcotics' dumped off Florida coast – study reveals 'crazy brain'Read More
Without A Mar-a-Lago Membership, You May As Well Be Dead Power The Secret Service hailed a “historic brush with secondhand danger,” as the President remained hundreds of miles away, threatened only by his terrible polling.Read More
Now YOU Can Generate News Stories Like The Pros! Crime & Death Enjoy our Mad Lib–style APP to generate a federally approved article about crimes against Trump’s America.Read More
Taxpayers Go on Strike, Government War Mongering Forgotten in Cart Power Gray-faced Congress Excused To Have Pudding And A Nice NapRead More
ICE Hero Eliminates Suspect Armed With Wrong Opinion Power MN woman fatally neutralized after posing existential threat to agent’s sense of authority.Read More
Breaking: White House Rebrands Venezuela as ‘Trump Black Gold Golf Resort’ Power "It's Not an Invasion, It's an Acquisition" — Defends Move as "Dynamic Value Capture," Offers SouvenirsRead More
Diligent Vegas Cops Chase the Dream of Apprehending Space Aliens space “Hey, this might sound like a really dumb question,” he says, “but did you guys see anything fall out of the sky?”Read More
Top Ten Aftermarket Ideas for Sex Workers Aging Out of the Strip Club business Leave Before Your Rap Sheet is Longer Than Your Press On NailsRead More
The Joy of Applying for Jobs You Don’t WantNothing prepares you for adulthood like passionately lying to strangers about your enthusiasm for corporate synergy.Read More
The Riskiest Places to Get Off (And the Surprising Lessons They Taught Me)Why pay for a city tour when you can get hands-on with urban exploration? (Literally. Quite literally.)Read More
Top Ten Aftermarket Ideas for Sex Workers Aging Out of the Strip ClubLeave Before Your Rap Sheet is Longer Than Your Press On NailsRead More
“Cryptid Bunker” — The Dating Show That Might Be a Government ExperimentLove Island trades suntans for conspiracy theories in a dating show where your soulmate might be a skinwalker.Read More
The Ballad of Barry Bogs: A Darkly Comedic Tale of Depression, Tacos, and Ethical Ambiguity, Part IBarry Bogs wasn't depressed because he was a terrible person - he was a terrible person because he was depressed, and also because tacosRead More
Please Don’t Let This One Shitty Hooker Ruin My Respect for Sex Workers#Sexworkers #Clienthorrorstories #Nevermeetyourheroes #DarkhumorRead More
Siblings And the Art of Social SuicideI evade my family. Like a fugitive, like a witness in hiding, like a man who’s just seen his face on the nightly newsRead More
I’ve lost everything, twice. Here’s how that’s working out for me.I don’t chase chaos—chaos recognizes me as its favorite recurring character and continually writes me into ridiculous plot twists.Read More
F*ck Off Marvel, Caligula’s Back In TownSuperheroes please hold: Caligula’s unhinged, porn-adjacent resurrection at Cannes is the “art and genitals” antidote to MCU fatigue.Read More
Man swaps lifetime of copy‑paste drudgery for infinite lunar futilityWhy did the former Kinko’s employee go to space? To get excited about future soul-deadening subsistence in zero gravity.Read More
Coed turns criminal record into viral résuméYoung woman is riding series of attractive mugshots straight to a productive, happy life.Read More
The Front Line on Crime Solving: Pizza CrustYou’re shedding criminal DNA on Little Ceasers and cops are throwing a goddamn partyRead More
