Elon Musk’s SunX Project a “Blazing Success,” says Elon Musk Apocalypse & Weird L.A. Marks 95 Days Above 95 Degrees as Musk Touts Earth’s New, Hotter OrbitRead More
Celebrity Wellness Trend Promises Ego Death Without Introspection Culture & Icons a luxury wellness trend blending restraint, raw dairy, ego death, and extremely shareable healingRead More
CDC Classifies ‘Dreams of Homeownership’ as a Tier-1 Pandemic-Level Delusion Money What do you get when you cross an American dream delirium with late stage capitalism? A government issue polo mallet to the head.Read More
New Fed Policy: No Lube, Just ‘Forward Guidance’ Money What's the difference between the Federal Reserve and a leather daddy in North Hollywood? The leather daddy stops when you say 'pineapple.'Read More
These are your feet! Power What do you call a patriot who can't afford gas and isn't t even epically furious? A pedestrian.Read More
Exclusive: Leaked Memo Reveals Government’s ‘Project Squirrel Scramble’ Power Meet the federal strategy to keep you darting and spinning across asphalt while cronies race gold-filled U-Hauls out the White House back door.Read More
Area Woman Seeks Control Over Timing of Dick Pics Sex & Love Pitching the Heat Slightly Low, So the Good Stuff Arrives at Midnight, Not Mid-MeetingRead More
Sex Bomb Robot Wife Busts Boners With News Breaks Tech & AI “She’s perfect, except when she pauses during foreplay to announce shark attacks and government executions. That part’s new.”Read More
The Riskiest Places to Get Off (And the Surprising Lessons They Taught Me) Sex & Love Why pay for a city tour when you can get hands-on with urban exploration? (Literally. Quite literally.)Read More
Today I’m Grateful I Don’t Want to Make Love to a Corpse on the R Train (And Other Low Bars) Crime & Death The real public transit crisis isn't delays - it's witnessing a guy give in to necrophiliac compulsion on your nighttime commute.Read More
Jesus Asks Fans to Stop Tagging Him in Toast Sightings dark humor Local Prophet Claims to See Jesus in Toast Again; Heaven PR department acknowledges brand fatigue.Read More
Acapulco: where the only thing getting a tan is the chalk outline crime “Love the local color,” says tourist, sipping cocktail shaded by decades of blood and bad governance.Read More
God Sees Rapture Chaos, Grabs PopcornMillions of Raptured Souls Stuck in Drone Traffic; FAA Classifies Raptured Christians as “Unmanned Aerial Vehicles”Read More
Poll: 70% of Americans Think ‘Iran Strike’ Is a New Netflix Show“Iran Strike? Is that the one with the spies or the zombies?” asked one respondent from Ohio. Another, from Florida, said, “I think IRead More
Breaking: UN Expresses Concern, War Continues UnimpressedMissiles ignore strongly worded statements, as usual.Read More
California Economy Grinds to Halt After Feds Remove the People Willing to Do StuffICE Agents Baffled by LA’s Cultural Diversity & the Rioting Citizens Able to Skip Work to Defend ItRead More
City of L.A.: CLICK HERE to Accept You Live in a Declining UtopiaOfficials say panic buttons will help remedy everything from "meth enthusiasts" to "esthetician ambushes."Read More
The Real Housewives of Riyadh: Trump’s Turn as America’s Ditz-in-ChiefThe Pretty Girl and the Prince: America’s Carnival of Freebies and FooleryRead More
What Would You NOT Do for Money: Kink, Murder, Weight GainFetishes and felonies are the unofficially preferred extreme hustles.Read More
Listen, if you’re patting yourself on the back for not romancing a public transit corpse, aim higher, sweetheart.Be honest, when you see a dead body do you think 'RIP' or 'DTF?'Read More
Sex, Love, & Money — How to Get Fucked Three Ways (The White Lotus, Season Two)Emotional manipulation is the ultimate power move. Moral bankruptcy is part of the all-inclusive package.Read More
Today I’m Grateful I Don’t Want to Make Love to a Corpse on the R Train (And Other Low Bars)The real public transit crisis isn't delays - it's witnessing a guy give in to necrophiliac compulsion on your nighttime commute.Read More
BREAKING: Joe Rogan Celebrates the Grand Return of “Retard” — A Heartwarming Salute to His PeopleRogan's embrace of 'retard' creates poetic symmetryRead More
BREAKING NEWS: US & China’s Bloated Oligarchs Play “Hunger Games: Open Market Edition”In this thrilling season of 'Oligarchs Gone Wild,' tariffs are up, wages are down, the working class are 'expendable extras.'Read More
