PALM BEACH, FL — As the world careens into a fiery final chapter, President Donald J. Trump has made the boldest deal of his career: purchasing the exclusive naming rights to the Apocalypse.
“People are saying, and you know it’s true, it’s the best End of Days ever — classy, very popular,” Trump bragged from the ruins of what used to be Mar-a-Lago, now rebranded Trump Doomsday Golf & Grill. “When the Four Horsemen came to me — great guys, by the way, we made a deal — they said, ‘Sir, we’d love to make this biblical event more luxurious.’ And we did it. We brought in gold trim. Tremendous trim.”
Economists, theologians, and survivors alike noted that this marked the first time Armageddon had an official sponsor. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Karen Foyle of Harvard. “He’s turned global annihilation into an upsell event. You can’t get a room on the seventh circle without a loyalty card.”
The Children of the Corn Subsidy
Not to be outdone, Eric and Don Jr. launched their own Apocalypse-themed ventures. Don Jr. introduced Rapture Vodka—“the only spirit guaranteed to leave your soul behind”—while Eric managed End Times Condos, promising “ocean views until the oceans rise.” Asked for comment, the brothers said their father’s success “inspires us to keep extracting value from whatever smoldering remnants of civilization remain.”
Ivanka, ever the brand whisperer, announced a new fashion line “inspired by post-civilization chic — like Mad Max, but more cream and peach tones.” Jared, hot of his (Trump reported) successes with “peace in the Middle East,” was last seen installing velvet ropes around the final judgment.
Politics After Oblivion
Meanwhile, die-hard supporters held rallies declaring Trump’s destruction “a genius move.” One loyalist said, “Sure, my crops turned to salt, but my 401(k) almost recovered before the sun exploded. That’s leadership.”
Analysts warn that Trump’s post-presidential influence shows no sign of fading. “Even in the ashes,” said one international observer, “his followers are digging for gold-plated MAGA tchotchkes.”
The Final Bankruptcy
Insiders say Trump is preparing for one last legal challenge after the world’s end — a class-action suit against God Himself for “unfairly crashing the markets without proper notice.” Sources close to the former president confirm he’s attempting to secure a plea deal that includes “naming rights to Heaven, or at least the parking lot.”
He reportedly planned to spend the first eternity in his own heavenly suite until learning the Trump Organization couldn’t afford celestial licensing fees.
Witnesses say he departed Judgment Day muttering, “It’s rigged, totally unfair. My apocalypse had higher ratings.”
