Neighborhood visionary Linda Mertz of Winthrop, Washington, sees the Lord and Savior—not in a vision, dream, or burning bush—but in her Pop-Tart.

“I see Jesus in toasted treats a lot, so sue me,” Mertz told reporters, clutching a plate of what appeared to be the vague shape of a man caught mid-sneeze in her lightly burnt toaster pastry.

Heaven, however, is reportedly losing patience.

“We love the enthusiasm,” said Archangel Gabriel, acting Director of Heavenly Communications. “But the algorithm is flooded.

Last week alone, Jesus was tagged in over 400,000 images of toast, calcified window crust, and one truly haunting pizza box grease stain.”

That last one, Gabriel confirmed, “was just pepperoni oil doing its best.”

Heaven Weighs In

The Heavenly PR department issued an official statement noting, “We’re not saying Jesus doesn’t love you, we’re just asking that maybe, moving forward, He not be summoned every time a heat pattern vaguely resembles nose and beard geometry.”

Still, Mertz remains undeterred. “He looked right at me from that pastry pocket,” she said, misty-eyed. “I felt hope again.”

Other believers around the country have echoed her sentiment. Pilgrims outside North Vegas are once again flocking to see the Virgin Mary statue that weeps what locals call “divine condensation,” while a man in Pennsylvania insists his half-eaten Hot Pocket has “the profile of St. Peter, if you squint.”

Social Request Backfires

Reached for comment, Jesus Himself posted briefly on X (formerly Twitter): “Please stop tagging Me in these,” which went viral—resulting in a 300% overnight spike in socially shared toast sightings.