- Master Arbalist — get good with a crossbow as the Incel uprising cometh, and they’re still peeved from when you were a hot commodity.
- Professional Bridesmaid — After a lifetime of faking enthusiasm, you’re overqualified for this gig.
- TikTok “Former Sex Worker Reacts” Channel — Watch viral thirst traps and sigh, “Oh honey, that’s not how you hustle.”
- Erotic Novel Editor — Fix all the terrible metaphors (“his throbbing sword of passion”) to revive a lost art and smear a veneer of literary culture over your fillers.
- AI Sexbot Consultant — Teach robots how to convincingly fake interest in clumsy lovelorn socios.
- Funeral Clown — the volume of makeup is par for the course, the palette leans more into primary colors. The overall stink of despair is the same.
- Matchmaker for your peers and ex-Johns — It’s better to be the madame than the meat. Hook up your sagging sexpot comrades with people who made slightly better choices, but didn’t manage the life partner thing.
- Nigerian Prince — Use your social engineering skills to take your scam online where no one will be turned off by the push pull of collagen deprivation and the creeping plastic surgery that’s turning you into a scary puppet.
- Hostage Negotiator — If you could talk a man out of his paycheck in ten minutes, you can talk a bank robber into surrendering in five.
- Wedding DJ (Specialty: Killing the Vibe) — Play nothing but “Closing Time” and “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” while maintaining unbroken eye contact with the bride.
Too Old to Pole — I got sober for this?
