Without A Mar-a-Lago Membership, You May As Well Be Dead
The Secret Service hailed a “historic brush with secondhand danger,” as the President remained hundreds of miles away, threatened only by his terrible polling.
The Secret Service on Sunday successfully neutralized an armed individual who crossed the Mar‑a‑Lago perimeter while President Trump was nowhere near the state.
To assist friendly publishers in capturing the proper level of hysteria, the Department of Domestic Zeal has quietly circulated its “Assassination Attempt Style Guide,” a leaked memo obtained by this outlet after someone accidentally attached it to an invite for a prayer breakfast.
The memo’s Adjective Guide helpfully reminds editors which euphemisms to deploy for suspects and protesters:
“Confused” = possibly trans
“Troubled” = definitely trans
“Lone wolf” = white
“Extremist” = brown
“Thug” = any protester who isn’t wearing a flag as a cape
More Style rules follow, including the new golden standard:
Any time law enforcement kills someone at or near a property connected to power, editors must use the phrase “potential assassination attempt,” even if the guy was just lost, drunk, and holding a Super Soaker.
For added incentive, any armed trespasser within a 500‑mile radius earns points toward lifetime Fox & Friends mentions and a commemorative lapel pin reading, “I Died For Ratings.”
The Department of Domestic Zeal’s overarching mission, the memo notes, is to ensure every violent incident on US soil is immediately rebranded as “heroic defense of freedom” if we did the shooting, and “existential terror threat” if we didn’t. This, it says, “streamlines public confusion into a more manageable, patriotic panic.”
At CBS News, executives are testing an on‑screen Zeal Intensity gauge that rises whenever a host calls for more violence in the name of “peace” and “order.”
The NRA’s Take on Federal Shoot-to-Kill Policy
Even by Washington standards, it takes real talent to be so untrustworthy that the NRA thinks you’ve lost the plot. Blinking in disbelief, the Association points out that if carrying a weapon automatically makes you a would‑be killer, half their membership signed up for government‑approved target practice. When the people whose whole brand is “more guns everywhere” are the ones telling you to holster your “shoot to kill” rhetoric, it might be time to admit the assassination narrative has wandered a few miles past reality—and straight into the same fantasy zone as Trump’s golf scores.
Things have gotten so weird that the NRA is looking at the feds like, “Buddy, you okay?”
Dynamic Approach to Access Control
Back at Mar‑a‑Lago, longtime members say the killing barely disrupted the usual festivities. For years, insiders whisper, the club’s least publicized amenity has been its informal sport of hunting non‑members, a tradition described in brochures as “a dynamic approach to access control.” One guest, requesting anonymity, described the latest incident as “basically skeet shooting, but with more paperwork and better catering.”
At press time, Trump’s sons were reportedly setting up an online store to commemorate the momentous brush with danger. The flagship T‑shirt, already back‑ordered, reads:
“I Was Nowhere Near The Incident And All I Got Was This Historic Legacy.”
