LOS ANGELES, CA — In a bold new initiative to Make California Gringo Again, federal authorities have unleashed a crackdown on Los Angeles’ vibrant, longstanding migrant culture—a community so deeply woven into the state’s fabric that quinceañera photo settings date back 100 years. With the National Guard and Marines now patrolling the streets, California’s immigrant workforce faces a purge so thorough, even the ghosts of Spanish rancheros are reportedly updating their résumés.
From Drug Lords to Day Laborers: The ICE Career Ladder
It all began with a noble cause: rooting out “criminals.” But after a brief warm-up round targeting cities with allegedly high immigrant crime rates, the feds arrived in Los Angeles and promptly ran out of actual criminals. Not to be deterred, they decided that anyone “breaking the law by being here illegally” would suffice. After all, why settle for drug lords when you can nab the guy who installs drywall on an unpermitted remodel?
Hold the I.C.E., Please
ICE agents faced the added challenge of distraction by the irresistible smells from local taco stands—businesses that could be classified as historical landmarks, having been here longer than most tech startups. When the chips and salsa cleared, federal raiders swooped back in to hustle productive denizens from their workplaces, some that have outlasted three mayors and four gentrification waves.
Protest Culture: The New California Gold Rush
The crackdown has kicked into gear California’s favorite pastime: protesting. Thousands in Los Angeles and San Francisco, flush with free time since Hollywood outsourced production and robots learned to write code, have taken to the streets to block freeways, chant slogans, and set a car ablaze—proving that “flaming riots” are simply a season in L.A. (given that they don’t do fall and winter). Also, any public gathering is considered a networking opportunity.
The Consequences: California Without Migrants
Let’s imagine the Golden State after a successful sweep. Who will raise the children, trim the lawns, or mop up the Hollywood club vomit? Silicon Valley execs, fresh off their third round of layoffs, might finally have time to discover what a mop looks like. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills could be forced to change their own light bulbs, a fate so dire Bravo will rebrand as a true crime channel.
More immediately, if ICE clears out all the immigrants, who’s going to clean up after the protesters?
