Let’s start with the good news: I woke up today without a single urge to get frisky with a cadaver on public transit. Honestly, in this state of cultural decline, that’s a win. While I’m over here celebrating my basic human boundaries, I’m also morbidly curious — necrophilia is one of those crimes that makes you go, “Wait… that’s ONLY illegal in 39 states?!”
That’s right, in 11 states, you could theoretically snuggle up to a stiff like it’s a Tinder date gone very still, and the law would just shrug and say, “Ew, but… technically…” Before you clutch your pearls (or your mortician’s toolkit), let’s ask the real questions:
Does It Actually Hurt Anyone?
The corpse isn’t complaining. The family might, but to be real — if your loved one’s biggest postmortem scandal is some randy weirdo on the R train, you’re lucky they didn’t die in Florida. Still, society says “No!” because, well: civilization. We’ve decided that respecting the dead means not treating them like a 24-hour BangBus stop.
Why Would Someone Do This?!
It’s not a puzzle and the reasons don’t vary widely. Maybe they’re lonely. Maybe they abhor the grunts, sighs and lame attempts at dirty talk. “Can’t a guy get a little silence with his shtup?!” Maybe they watched Weekend at Bernie’s and thought, “Goals.” Psychologists mumble about power, control, and “lack of consent issues.” I’m wondering if you pour a little alcohol on inhibitions, do some just see a hole and think “Challenge accepted.”
The Real Problem: Desperate Dicks & Utopia’s To-Do List
Here’s the tea: If we’re ever gonna build a utopia, we have to deal with the fact that some men look at a corpse and go, “Close enough.” What does that say about our society? That we’ve got a corner of the citizenry so starved for affection (or so lazy about foreplay) that actual death isn’t a dealbreaker?
Solution? Maybe free therapy. Maybe better sex ed (“No, Kevin, ‘lifeless’ shouldn’t be your type”). Or maybe — just maybe — we invest in state-subsidized sex dolls so these guys can get their kicks without traumatizing the surviving family and anyone who gets their hand on the security cam footage.
(P.S. If you read this and thought, “Hmm, interesting point about the cultural taboos,” please report to your nearest exorcist.)
Stay classy, ghouls.
