Feet are back in vogue: the non-fossil-fuel, no-charging-cable, zero-import alternative to all those smug little rolling steel debt-balloons. Why depend on Chinese electric imports when nature already gave us a pair of fully subsidized transportation systems attached directly to your body? Sure, not everyone has feet, or has feet that still qualify as feet, but that’s the beauty of the new mobility-challenged economy: when you don’t go anywhere you won’t be troubled by how expensive everything is.

The Benefits

The good news is that Trump’s oil-lovers’ quarrel with Iran is unwittingly doing what no urban planner, climate activist, or transit nerd has ever managed to do: weaning America’s beloved car-worshipping, petroleum-guzzling patriots off their cars and into the ancient practice of forward motion. Nobody can afford $6.69 a gallon. Job losses, tariff price hikes, and the general economic beatdown have become a powerful wellness plan for the nation’s drivers.[aol]

More good news: fewer DUIs, fender benders, highway tantrums, red-light shouting matches with a deeply unskilled drivers. Fewer life-defining traffic jams where we’re all convinced we’re trapped in the traffic, when in fact we are the traffic. Fewer hours spent at that endless light under the guy with the megaphone yelling “JESUS OR HELL,” as if either option comes with better parking. Fewer windshield dirt masterpieces reading “STN KEE PENIS!” in letters so large your mom can read it from the other coast. No more bloodied noses over parking spaces. No more lying awake at 1:40 a.m. plotting the total destruction of your street’s aggressively efficient meter maid.

The Challenges

• Where Do You Shoot Your Mid-Morning Opiod When the Work Bathroom Has No Stalls?
• How Do You Risk Limb and Life After Shutting Down the Bar in a Neighborhood Where Ubers Dare Not Drive?
• How Does the Economy Absorb All the Ride Share Drivers? (Waymo Wants Them Dead Anyway)
• What Are Your Teen and Pre-Teen Going to Get Into Knock-Down-Drag-Out Fights About If One of Them Can’t Refuse to Give the Other a Ride?

Celebrate 100 Days of Unsanctioned War!

Luckily for your increasingly hot, throbbing, calloused feet, there’s no end in site. Trump keeps claiming his ceasefires (in name only) ends “hostilities” to avoid War Powers Act approval. Super cute.

America may be going nowhere fast, or it may be going straight to hell, on foot. As oil reserves bottom out, your level of contentment kinda depends on where you stand on the oligarch/activist/plebian scale.