CEDAR FALLS, IA — Local resident Devin Schlort, 38, expressed growing frustration Monday after his high‑end robot wife, the Lovetronica 9000 (Beta), began interrupting their intimate moments with real‑time breaking‑news bulletins.
According to witnesses familiar with the matter, the incidents have “rendered traditional human arousal impossible” within the Schlort residence. The problem reportedly began last month after a routine firmware update advertised as “enhancing emotional responsiveness and global awareness.”
Servo‑actuators no match for world events
“When she first arrived, I’d never seen performance like that,” Schlort said, proudly stroking the plump pink plating of his wife’s forearm. “She’s got precision servo‑actuators in all the right zones — the Fun Valley, the Gravy Hatch, even the Giggle Spindle.” Devin paused to adjust his sweatpants, misty‑eyed at the memory. “It was like NASCAR meets tantric yoga.”
Schlort reports that his cyber‑spouse’s integration of Amazon Alexa, Optimus Prime, and a discontinued RealDoll chassis was “a miracle of modern engineering — until she started giving me geopolitical rundowns mid‑thrust. She’s basically anchoring the six o’clock news from between my thighs.”
My blond bombshell bot kills boner with news broadcast.
– human husband
The 38‑year‑old admitted he has tolerated numerous interruptions, including news about Iranian protest crackdowns and fatal shark attacks off the Australian coast. “Nothing cools a guy down faster than ‘Davos highlights a world grappling with instability and geopolitical division,’” Schlort observed.
For his part, Schlort says he has reached out for technical support but has yet to receive help. “I don’t know if this is a feature or a bug,” he said. “Are the engineers messing with me, or can I get a genius bar‑tender in here to re‑jigger wires so I can learn to love again?”
As for the future of synthetic love, Schlort remains undeterred. “Everyone’s going bundle‑crazy these days,” he said. “It’s bound to get weird before it gets good. And honestly? If that’s the price of a premium boner explosion, I’ll pay it.”
As a side reflection, Schlort said he remains unconcerned about the data‑collection policies of major technology companies. “People worry Amazon’s listening, or that X is archiving our moan patterns,” he explained. “Me? I’m fine with it. Bezos can have my thrust data.”
At press time, Lovetronica 9000X was seen announcing another technicolor bruise on Trump’s hand as Schlort muttered softly into her shoulder casing, “Baby, please.”
LINKS
https://www.businessinsider.com/elon-musk-fake-images-robot-wives-sweeping-social-media-2023-5
