Millions of Raptured Souls Stuck in Drone Traffic; FAA Classifies Raptured Christians as “Unmanned Aerial Vehicles”
HEAVENLY AIRSPACE — What was supposed to be a glorious, trumpet-blasting ascent turned into the world’s worst rush-hour commute this morning, as raptured souls shot skyward only to get tangled in swarms of delivery drones and accidentally targeted by eager missile defense systems.
“I was halfway to heaven’s pearly gates when a DoorDash drone carrying three burrito bowls clipped me in the shoulder,” reported one soul.
“Honestly, I thought Armageddon was starting,” admitted a Pentagon analyst. “Millions of glowing orbs blasting out of Kansas at Mach 3 looked suspicious. We scrambled jets. Turns out it was just a Baptist youth group.”
The chaos clogged skies across America as angels frantically tried to direct ascending believers through crowded drone corridors. “I was halfway to heaven’s pearly gates when a DoorDash drone carrying three burrito bowls clipped me in the shoulder,” reported one soul. Those bowls were delivered to heaven by mistake. UPS confirmed several ethereal passengers had been rerouted through Memphis for “logistics reasons,” while FedEx announced they would attempt to honor two-day guarantees for “priority souls.”
Meanwhile, air defenses worldwide enthusiastically fired at anything luminous. Russia proudly declared, “We shot down 400 NATO angels before breakfast,” while Israel’s Iron Dome successfully mistook thousands of grandmothers for incoming rockets. Survivors on the ground described the glowing fallout as “pretty, but emotionally scarring Hanukkah confetti.”
Despite the holy logjam, insiders insisted the problem wasn’t poor planning on God’s part. “Oh, He could’ve cleared the skies any time,” said one angel. “He just wanted to see what humanity would do. Free will was always less about responsibility and more about improvisational comedy.”
At press time, Apple had auto-synced all departed souls to iCloud without permission, while Elon Musk announced plans to monetize the afterlife: “Rapture 2.0, now with premium seating and Eternal Blue Checkmarks.”
On Earth, survivors reacted with surreal detachment. Some skeptics immediately launched TikTok explainers claiming all glowing souls were simply “shoddy CGI.”
