HOLLYWOOD — The Easter Bunny is allegedly in crisis, and insiders are asking the unthinkable: can secular Easter survive if its fluffiest celebrity implodes?
Sources tell us the normally dependable holiday icon has been spiraling, with one pal claiming the Bunny is fully greening out, weed barf yodeling, and deep into the scalding shower syndrome. Eyewitnesses spotted the Bunny outside a 7-Eleven in Burbank at 3 a.m., shirtless but still wearing his trademark vest and bow tie, clutching a disfigured Peep like a stress ball.
The Bunny’s alleged downfall? A toxic cocktail of weed gummies, pure cane sugar, and way too much time between gigs. It’s a steady job, but short on hours. “Idle paws are the devil’s playground.”
Friends say the fluffy phenom has been disappearing for hours, then showing up with extreme paranoia, the kind of reality distortion usually reserved for late-night art films.
This fiasco, coupled with God’s obvious irritation with the kerfuffle in the Middle East, where he was seen thundering at world leaders, “Sunday’s Easter, and I WILL CANCEL my boy’s re-birthday party if you don’t cut this shit out,” has the world worried that we’ll be eating honey-baked ham this Sunday for no good reason.
